You wonder why kids who eat sand get sick less? It's because they're constantly exposed to harmful bacteria in small quantities. We've utilised the same biological phenomena to ensure that you're constantly exposed to all sorts of bacteria from the comfort of your bathroom. At random intervals, your flatmates will wipe the bathroom floor with your towel, one simple manoeuvre that will ensure your immune system remains at the top of its game. Short term side effects can include diarrhoea and eye infections, but it's a small price to pay for the long term health benefits.
Showing posts with label Reasons to Move. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reasons to Move. Show all posts
Friday, September 9, 2011
Room for Rent #1 - Immune Surplus
We're moving house tomorrow, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
You wonder why kids who eat sand get sick less? It's because they're constantly exposed to harmful bacteria in small quantities. We've utilised the same biological phenomena to ensure that you're constantly exposed to all sorts of bacteria from the comfort of your bathroom. At random intervals, your flatmates will wipe the bathroom floor with your towel, one simple manoeuvre that will ensure your immune system remains at the top of its game. Short term side effects can include diarrhoea and eye infections, but it's a small price to pay for the long term health benefits.
You wonder why kids who eat sand get sick less? It's because they're constantly exposed to harmful bacteria in small quantities. We've utilised the same biological phenomena to ensure that you're constantly exposed to all sorts of bacteria from the comfort of your bathroom. At random intervals, your flatmates will wipe the bathroom floor with your towel, one simple manoeuvre that will ensure your immune system remains at the top of its game. Short term side effects can include diarrhoea and eye infections, but it's a small price to pay for the long term health benefits.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Room for Rent #2 - Company
We're moving house in two days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
Prone to loneliness? Living with eight others in a four bedroom flat will ensure that you never want for company again! We specialise in Spanish boys who smoke all kinds of things inside around the clock, sometimes on the toilet, and Italian girls with excellent voice projection skills who enjoy laughing, chatting and playing music until 2 or 3 in the morning on weeknights.
Prone to loneliness? Living with eight others in a four bedroom flat will ensure that you never want for company again! We specialise in Spanish boys who smoke all kinds of things inside around the clock, sometimes on the toilet, and Italian girls with excellent voice projection skills who enjoy laughing, chatting and playing music until 2 or 3 in the morning on weeknights.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Room for Rent #3 - Doing Without
We're moving house in three days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
Forget Outward Bound, learn the virtues of patience and self control from the comfort of your own home! All household appliances are fitted with complimentary ZenMaster™ Temporary Disabler technology, so twice a month your personal resolve will be strengthened by learning to do without a basic comfort such as hot water or a washing machine. All services will be restored within 18 working days. To ensure you don't cave early, all employees at our property management firm have been trained in evasive manoeuvres such as "I'll call you back in five minutes", "I'm sure it's just something you're doing wrong", and a personal favourite "we have no record of your eleven reports and complaints about having no hot water for the past week and a half". With a committed approach like this, it's no wonder that 76% of previous tenants are fully qualified ZenMasters by the time they move on.
Forget Outward Bound, learn the virtues of patience and self control from the comfort of your own home! All household appliances are fitted with complimentary ZenMaster™ Temporary Disabler technology, so twice a month your personal resolve will be strengthened by learning to do without a basic comfort such as hot water or a washing machine. All services will be restored within 18 working days. To ensure you don't cave early, all employees at our property management firm have been trained in evasive manoeuvres such as "I'll call you back in five minutes", "I'm sure it's just something you're doing wrong", and a personal favourite "we have no record of your eleven reports and complaints about having no hot water for the past week and a half". With a committed approach like this, it's no wonder that 76% of previous tenants are fully qualified ZenMasters by the time they move on.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Room for Rent #4 - You Don't Know What You've Got Until...
We're moving house in four days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
There's nothing quite like a bit of serendipity at home. Imagine not knowing who you live with, until they open their door? You can be at the supermarket standing right next to your flatmate and have no idea! This house is great for hiding people. Why, every time two people move out, we replace them with three! We have a well honed talent for making living with ten people feel like living with just eight. This is so successful that previous tenants (an anti-social kiwi couple) reported not realising a 'regular guest' had actually been living with them for three months until they saw her moving out!
There's nothing quite like a bit of serendipity at home. Imagine not knowing who you live with, until they open their door? You can be at the supermarket standing right next to your flatmate and have no idea! This house is great for hiding people. Why, every time two people move out, we replace them with three! We have a well honed talent for making living with ten people feel like living with just eight. This is so successful that previous tenants (an anti-social kiwi couple) reported not realising a 'regular guest' had actually been living with them for three months until they saw her moving out!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Room for Rent #5 - The Technicoloured Yawn
We're moving house in five days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
We believe that moving day should be a joyful experience. We go the extra mile by leaving a surprise for every new tenant to discover as they unpack. You'll need a GSOH to last here, so we set the scene from day one with practical jokes. The tenants before you (an anti-social kiwi couple) didn't respond so well, but don't worry, the dried vomit they found under the bed was fake. We promise. Just a convincing fake. And it only took them half an hour to clean it anyway, so all's well that ends well!
We believe that moving day should be a joyful experience. We go the extra mile by leaving a surprise for every new tenant to discover as they unpack. You'll need a GSOH to last here, so we set the scene from day one with practical jokes. The tenants before you (an anti-social kiwi couple) didn't respond so well, but don't worry, the dried vomit they found under the bed was fake. We promise. Just a convincing fake. And it only took them half an hour to clean it anyway, so all's well that ends well!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Room for Rent #6 - Lighting Design
We're moving house in six days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
The plain old lightswitch is so last century. This flat is fitted with state of the art lighting technology. All lights are programmed to turn off automatically after two hours, so you never have to worry at work that you may have left the light on. And if you're not a morning person you'll never have to worry about falling asleep in the shower again! After a comfortable eleven minutes, being plunged into darkness will ensure that you're woken from your slumber in time for the train. Best of all, you never have to stumble in the dark from lightswitch to bed - this clever sucker requires 30 seconds of being held down to start flashing a red signal, and it's three full minutes before the light actually goes out. Helpfully, just in case you forget that the lightswitch is right by the door (despite the fact that the streetlight right outside through thin curtains means the room is always well illuminated), there's a ring of bright blue LED lights around the switch, guiding you to it like the bright lights of a runway.
The plain old lightswitch is so last century. This flat is fitted with state of the art lighting technology. All lights are programmed to turn off automatically after two hours, so you never have to worry at work that you may have left the light on. And if you're not a morning person you'll never have to worry about falling asleep in the shower again! After a comfortable eleven minutes, being plunged into darkness will ensure that you're woken from your slumber in time for the train. Best of all, you never have to stumble in the dark from lightswitch to bed - this clever sucker requires 30 seconds of being held down to start flashing a red signal, and it's three full minutes before the light actually goes out. Helpfully, just in case you forget that the lightswitch is right by the door (despite the fact that the streetlight right outside through thin curtains means the room is always well illuminated), there's a ring of bright blue LED lights around the switch, guiding you to it like the bright lights of a runway.
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| For those who don't enjoy blinding blue LEDs on their bedroom lightswitch, we've developed a helpful light-obscuring customisation from Blu-tack |
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Room for Rent #7 - Breakfast in Bed
We're moving house in seven days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
Minimalism is the latest trend in real estate. This chic new pad offers pared back living, removing all the distractions that keep you from spending all your time where you really want to be: in bed. Free yourself from the oppression of a living area or couch. Have breakfast in bed every morning!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Room for Rent #8 - Free Range
We're moving house in eight days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
Edgware Road is synonymous with classy living, and there is cuisine nearby to suit every palate. We all crave variety, so why settle for a flat with just one fried chicken shop on your daily route to the tube? With an extensive range of options at your fingertips, you'll never want to eat anything else again!
Edgware Road is synonymous with classy living, and there is cuisine nearby to suit every palate. We all crave variety, so why settle for a flat with just one fried chicken shop on your daily route to the tube? With an extensive range of options at your fingertips, you'll never want to eat anything else again!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Room for Rent #9 - Meeting New People (You Live With)
We're moving house in nine days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
Ever wish you could swap your flatmates? Well, we offer a flat which will get you one step closer to realising that dream. Our tenants enjoy the flexibility of being able to move at a moment's notice (for a small fee). Where else but reality television can you find a room full of fresh new flatmates every time you get back from a short break abroad? Our tenants pride themselves on mastering name avoidance techniques to ensure they can live fully interdependent lives whilst never needing to admit that they don't actually know each other's names.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Room for Rent #10 - Easy Access Plumbing
We're moving house in ten days, and I'm putting my writing habit to good use by drafting a new ad each day until we move to help our landlords advertise some of the unique characteristics of the flat we've grown to love over the past five months.
Are you someone who loves to know how things work? Buttons are for sissies; you'll leave our modern bathroom more satisfied after activating the flush process through our specially designed cistern access portal. With no detail overlooked, we've extended the same vision to your rustic showerhead. Experience water pressure previously unseen outside Africa with our unique layers of plaster assisting your morning wash. Now also featuring decorative foam that serves the dual purpose of holding the showerhead in place while also reinforcing a delightful bohemian atmosphere.
Are you someone who loves to know how things work? Buttons are for sissies; you'll leave our modern bathroom more satisfied after activating the flush process through our specially designed cistern access portal. With no detail overlooked, we've extended the same vision to your rustic showerhead. Experience water pressure previously unseen outside Africa with our unique layers of plaster assisting your morning wash. Now also featuring decorative foam that serves the dual purpose of holding the showerhead in place while also reinforcing a delightful bohemian atmosphere.
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| The specially designed cistern access portal. |
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| The decorative foam. |
Top 10 Reasons to Move
In 10 days we'll be living in a much larger two bedroom flat with Paul's cousin Zoe and her boyfriend Daniel in Wandsworth.
I've been blogging a lot about our travels, but kept rather quiet on everything that's happened in-between. But that's not for lack of stories to tell! This place has definitely been memorable in it's own kind of gross way. To celebrate some of the colourful experiences we've had living for five months in temporary accommodation with an assortment of eight other Spaniards and Italians, I'm going to count down the next ten days with a mini-post each day on why we're glad to be moving on!
I've been blogging a lot about our travels, but kept rather quiet on everything that's happened in-between. But that's not for lack of stories to tell! This place has definitely been memorable in it's own kind of gross way. To celebrate some of the colourful experiences we've had living for five months in temporary accommodation with an assortment of eight other Spaniards and Italians, I'm going to count down the next ten days with a mini-post each day on why we're glad to be moving on!
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| The agent assures me that the sunsets will be just as good at the new place. |
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