Skye High: Under My Kilt

There was only one dragon in Loch Ness today. And I was wearing it on my bum.

It’s the age-old question about kilts: what do they wear underneath? Little did I know when I volunteered to try one on, my entire HAGGiS Adventures group would find out the answer!

In my case, the answer was my new Calvin Klein boxers with a Chinese dragon tattooed right across my bum. But I quickly realised how first-world my shame at public near-nudity was when I was told about the living conditions of the previous inhabitants of huts like this one.

The nice wooden floor of this hut near Loch Ness is a modern convention. It would actually have been thick mud, along with whatever the animals left behind. But I wouldn’t have noticed the odour if I’d lived back then, because I’d have been equally fragrant. When you only bathe once a year, everyone smells like crap pretty quickly. Literally!

I was even more thankful the floor wasn’t thick mud when I learned that the first part of putting on a kilt actually starts on the ground. The 10m long piece of material had already been expertly pleated for me by Ken, our hard-case leader whose thick Liverpudlian accent is easily confused for a Highlands one by the unsuspecting. I just had to sit down and lay back with my hands above my head. The giggling Spanish girls on the other side of the room had a great view of my crotch and quickly pulled out their iPhones.

Next, I’m rolled up like a piece of sushi.

The kilt is tied together, and I’m permitted to stand again. Some of the remaining material is fashioned into a sash.

 

I’m not sure what I enjoyed most about the next bit; the sword or the wife?

Just kidding. It was definitely the sword! (In my defence, it had actually been used in battle).

I’m really glad I volunteered to model the kilt at Fort Augustus, because it turned out to be one of my favourite parts of the whole Skye High trip.

(Even if it meant the whole group got to see my dragon undies!)
Andrew travelled on the Skye High trip as a guest of HAGGiS Adventures.

Skye High: Top Ten Moments in the Scottish Highlands

Being from the other side of the world, the Scottish Highlands have always occupied a sort of mythical place in my mind. Between the Loch Ness monster, William Wallace, and Pixar’s latest animated flick Brave, the Highlands seem mysterious and full of adventure. So when I got the opportunity to explore the area for three days on HAGGiS Adventures’ Skye High trip from Edinburgh, I couldn’t resist.

In chronological order, these are the top ten moments of my time in the Scottish Highlands with HAGGiS:

1. William Wallace Monument
The first stop out of Edinburgh is in Stirling, home to Scotland’s most iconic hero – immortalised in 1995 by Mel Gibson in Braveheart. William is treated with the utmost reverence by the Scots, and our upbeat guide Angela took great pride in retelling the story of his efforts against the English and eventual grisly demise at the Tower of London.

2. Glencoe mountain chair lift
Glencoe mountain is a magnet for skiers in winter, and the panoramic view from the top makes it well worth a visit in summer too. This stop included lunch, so we all had our first taste of Haggis and Irn Bru. Though I did manage to crack a tooth on the meal, neither were as bad as I’d feared. Haggis tastes a lot like sausage meat, and Irn Bru like liquid bubblegum.

3. Wild & sexy Glencoe Valley
Tourists regularly stopped to pose with our wild and sexy HAGGiS bus. I couldn’t resist either! I chose this spot not only because it was spectacularly beautiful, but also in order to draw attention away from Paul – who had just made the mistake of admitting he was part of the Campbell Clan. The Campbells have been hated in the Highlands for hundreds of years after enabling the brutal massacre of 38 members of the McDonald clan at the hands of government soldiers. There were glares.

The hatred of Campbells runs deep in these parts.

4. Cloud-filled loch
Everyone’s heard of Loch Ness, but actually there are thousands of lochs in the Highlands. This is just one of them, although you can’t see it at this moment because it’s filled with cloud. Surrounded by wildflowers, it’s a sight to behold.

5. Eilean Donan castle
This is one of the most famous castles in the world, and it only takes a single glance across the moody, reflective water to see why. It feels lonely and isolated in an awe-inspiring kind of way. Like you would imagine Dracula’s country home.

6. The Black Cuillin Mountains
The Isle of Skye is a geologists marvel because it has some of the oldest mountains in the world (the Red Cuillins) and some of the youngest (the Black Cuillins). Here, at Sligachan bridge, the younger black ones look jagged and confronting. Plus there’s a local fairy story that says you’ll remain eternally youthful if you dip your face in the water, so that’s always a good reason to get in.

Ensuring I retain my youthful looks. *ahem*

7. The Fairy Pools
Everything on the Isle of Skye is picturesque, and this glittering clear waterfall is no exception. Plus, the fairies have enchanted the water to grant you a wish if you collect a mouthful at the top and then spit it on a well-placed rock at the bottom. Naturally, we were all happy to oblige.

8. Kilt Rock
The steepest, most beautiful cliffs I have ever seen – with a waterfall to boot! This is also the only place in Scotland we encountered a bagpiper. And a good spot for it too.

9. Loch Ness
I was a monster sceptic before heading out on Loch Ness myself. Our boat driver offered dozens of compelling reasons why he believes Nessie (and seventeen members of her family) are alive and well. There’s twice as much water in Loch Ness than in all the rivers and lakes of England and Wales put together. Fitting in all that water seems like a physical impossibility until you learn that Loch Ness is 227 metres deep! That’s deeper than the North Sea. And Nessie isn’t the only monster – there are known to be 10m long eels and 2m long ferocious fish that are only found in the artic. But even they can’t account for the several thousand tonnes of fish that disappear from the Loch each year. The water is pitch black from peat, so both of the men who have walked on the bottom were unable to report seeing much of anything. In fact, the bottom of Loch Ness is one of the most unexplored parts of the world – more people have been on the moon! In case you’re still sceptical, you should know that I took this photo myself:

 

10. The battlefields at Culloden Moor
Culloden was the site of a bloody battle against the English in 1746. Thousands of Scottish men were slaughtered, and the battle changed Scotland irrevocably – it was the end of the clan system.


Honourable mentions:

Hamish the Heilan Coo – you can’t go to the Highlands without seeing a Heilan Coo. 

McCurdie’s House – the strangest place on the Isle of Skye, filled with bizarre artefacts and a wry sense of humour.

Urquhart castle – on the banks of Loch Ness.

I really did fall in love with Scotland while I was there. It was green, wild, and magical. I would strongly advise any traveller visiting Europe to make a point of including Scotland on their itinerary. You won’t regret it.

Andrew travelled on the Skye High trip as a guest of HAGGiS Adventures.

Life Lesson #47 - Second Time Lucky

Today, I saw a woman dressed as Tom Jones’ long lost brother take her clothes off. Including the ‘tache.

It all started a year ago, when I missed two flights and three shows in one day (if you're feeling low on schadenfreude you can read the full story here). Those shows were in Edinburgh, at the famous annual Fringe Festival. And today I'm making up for it by going back.

You can't miss the fringe on the Royal Mile

I know of many wonderful acts that first 'made it' here at the fringe, including Tim Minchin. And last year Margaret Cho was here. So I've got high hopes.

The only trouble is that I've miscalculated a little. I didn't actually realise the Fringe was opening this weekend until after I'd booked my train tickets up. And we're leaving on the Skye High trip with HAGGiS Adventures first thing tomorrow. So tonight is our only chance to catch anything, and I sure don’t want to miss out two years in a row!

It's midnight when we arrive in Edinburgh, and we're tired after a full day at work. But the vibe on the Royal Mile is fantastic, it's really pumping. I'm determined not to miss the fringe for a second year in a row, so we check the festival guide to find out what's playing tonight, the night before opening, after midnight. Slim pickings.

We settle on a little comedy show featuring a straight-laced comedian and his crazy girlfriend. (Or at least, I think she was his girlfriend?)

When she walks into the room, there are four of us in the audience. Two quiet Asian girls, plus Paul and I. She has rosy cheeks, a blonde wig with pigtails, a cowgirl outfit (including boots), and is attempting to hold a true blue Texan accent.

She sings an angry country song about her ex-husband, directing every scathing word at Paul. At one point, she asks him angrily who he's in love with, the Asian girl to his right, or me. It's clearly meant to be insulting. He points at me. She looks horrified!

At the time I wasn’t quite sure why she looked so horrified... but it became clear moments later when she started taking her clothes off. For an audience of four with zero interested persons.

I’m not quite sure when stripping became comedy? Actually it still hasn’t. The show just wasn’t funny. We felt sorry for them most of the time. But they didn’t actually do any stand-up. Although he did climb through a tennis racket, and she demonstrated a Grace Jones’ flair for hula hooping.

The lowest point, by far, was when she came out dressed as a man. In a thick Welsh accent, she explained she was Tom Jones’ brother Tim. Then she stripped down until she just had little hearts covering her special bits. It’s the sort of moment tumbleweed was invented for.

There was a swallowed sword and a fake argument. But nothing could raise this dismal failure, particularly not the presenters begging the audience to drop enough in the hat for a kebab.

We spent the whole time wishing it would be funny, but just left confused. Though I was slightly less gutted about missing the Fringe last year!